For a mother like me, this is so painful because I am posting the passing away of my beloved son last May 23, 2013. Until now, it is so hard for me to accept God's will. His 16 years of existence is never enough for me. I hate myself for being his mother. Perhaps, he could live longer if I wasn't his mother. Time heals according to others but I believed that the pain of losing and missing him will remain in my heart until my last breath. His passing away has changed everything in my life except one...to be remember and be grateful to all the people who have been part of making his sixteen years of existence happy, memorable and meaningful.
I am so grateful for all the love and moral support of my family and friends. But despite of it, I still find it hard to move on...and even worst I am losing my faith.
I just wish to say THANK YOU SO MUCH TO ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE SHARED BILOI'S JOURNEY here on earth.
Biloi I am really sorry for whatever shortcomings I may have being your mother. But deep in my heart, I believed that you knew how much I love you Son! Really hoping that you are now experiencing eternal happiness.
This blog is intended for my son, Roi or Biloi as fondly called by family and friends. "MY HEART'S JOURNEY" will keep track of his happiness and sufferings as he continue to survive despite denial of an open heart surgery, the only way to correct his heart defect due to doctor's fear of just losing him caused by his critical heart condition particularly his RV failure.
No one can really move on from death, this is what i have discovered when my grandmother who i grew up with passed on.
ReplyDeleteI feel your heartache. Though i am not a mother, i understand how helpless you may feel at times for not being able to provide the best care possible for your son. I have been feeling the same way and guilt towards not being able to attend to the every need of my aging mother.
Life of a family member especially one of our most beloved ones is very precious and sometimes, we just want their lives to go on for as long as we desire. It is hard to accept the thought that people close to us will be gone in any minute, as fast like we cannot imagine. I may not know how it really feels to lose a son, but i understand how much it hurts when we think that we did not give our best, or that we fell short.
I pray that you may find peace in the midst if your son's passing. Peace in the thought that you did everything you could, and that even when we think there are still things that we think we could've done to save someone's life, if we truly believe in God, we can find at least, a momentary comfort that it is His will. God never wills pain for any mother, or suffering for any son. But certainly, people have no control over another person's life and where the life is headed.
I pray that you may find peace when you sleep..and when you remember your son. Like you, though people tell me that time heals all wounds, I don't seem to feel that the pain i have from losing my grandmother lessens by the day. It doesn't. Though i no longer easily cry as i would have when her death was still fresh, i still feel great sadness and defeat whenever i think of my shortcomings. As true as there are some things that we cannot change even when we wish we can, there are also good things that we have done that we disregard due to the pain from someone's passing.
Whatever things, care, and comfort that we were not able to provide, certainly, God will give so much more to our loved ones who passed on.
Looking at your son's photo makes me sad but also, makes me admire you both. If I were your son, i would be so grateful for the sacrifices you have made for the past 16years. I am sure he was grateful for everything that you have done.
You may have shortcomings but the fact that he was able to live as long as 16 years is a testament to his strength and willingness to fight the battle with you. It is also a testament to your own strength and love as a mother.
May God bless you and guide you as always. -FBar
J regret that it took me more than a year to read your comment.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much for your meaningful and very comforting comment.
How i wish i would know your identity
Once again, thank you so much!
rosalinda
To Anonymous (FBar) i really appreciate your concern for my predicament. It's only now that i noticed that you have also commented
ReplyDeletetwice my post regarding my letter to dr. cuanang.
I guess you've spent your residency at the SLMC. As i read your comments, i wish you are dr.euniel solinap. But i knew it would be impossible, unless i know your identity.
I do admire how you love your lola. Probably not only because you grew up with her, but definitely because you have a good heart.
Faith makes us believe that God really exist no matter what religious affiliation we belong. We are made to believe that death is a gift, not a puishment nor a curse. If dying is a glorious way to have eternal life, then why do we feel so much pain everytime we loss a loved one? The answer will depend according to your level of faith.
Truly, lossing a loved one is so painful no matter how deep is our faith. We keep moving on as time passed by, yet the pain remains as we live.
FBar, i just hope you'll find peace and happiness in your heart for we both believed that your lola is resting in peace now.
Once again, thank you so much for easing my pain. Hope you can visit Biloi's blog again.
Rosalinda
The loss of a child is indeed heart-breaking and beyond the limits of human endurance.There is no question that the burden of grief on a sorrowing heart, is heavier than minds can conceive, or words can tell. But you have to realize that your child has not been lost. He’s just stepped from this world into the next, and you will find him when you get there. Grief and sorrow do not come to us by chance, they are sent to us by the Divine Mercy for our own perfecting. I know and I have experienced it myself that at the time of losing a beloved one, it seems so unreal to find peace and comfort by hearing these words, but separation belongs only to this world. Our loved ones will be with us in the Kingdom of God and we will again look upon their smiling faces, illumined brows and handsome spirits when it is the time for us to join them. I would like to share with you one of the passages of my faith's holy writings with the hope that it could bring peace and comfort to your heart my friend. " O thou beloved maid-servant of God, although the loss of a son is indeed heart-breaking and beyond the limits of human endurance, yet one who knoweth and understandeth is assured that the son hath not been lost but, rather, hast stepped from this world into another, and she will find him in the divine realm. That reunion shall be for eternity, while in this world separation is inevitable and bringeth with it a burning grief." And there is another passage which says: " O thou who art tested with a great calamity! Be not grieved nor troubled because of the loss which hath befallen thee—a loss which caused the tears to flow, sighs to be produced, sorrow to exist and hearts to burn in great agony; but know, this hath reference only to the physical body, and if thou considerest this matter with a discerning and intelligent eye, thou wilt find that it hath no power whatsoever, for separation belongeth to the characteristics of the body. But concerning the spirit, know that thy pure son shall be with thee in the Kingdom of God and thou shalt witness his smiling face, illumined brow, handsome spirit and real happiness. Accordingly, thou wilt then be comforted and thank God for His favor upon thee. ". I would like to add here my friend, that when I feel disturbed and miss my beloved ones who have already gone to the other realm of GOD, I sit and say prayers and ask GOD for their happiness and peace and also ask GOD to help me finding peace and comfort in my heart too, and HE will my friend. Take care and stay blessed.
ReplyDeleteJust read your comment today.
ReplyDeleteUnfortunately, I can no longer access this blog, hence I seldom visit this.
Thank you so much for your compassion and comforting words.
I believe you are a kind hearted person..
Grieving is a lifetime journey. It's almost 10 years now, yet tye pain of missing the his physical presence remain. But with God's grace and mercy, I am enduring the pain of grieving.
Again, thank you so much m